Hypocrisies and small annoyances

I should be studying right now, but I just can't seem to focus. I guess it's what happens when you watch the kind of TV that gets you distracted and makes you think that life is more interesting than obligations. I mean, quite frankly, it is, but I can't afford to think that with the LSAT a few weeks away. I had a fight with M again today, and this time I just can't seem to shake it out of my mind. No matter what happens to make things seem slightly calm and right, he goes ahead and screws it up again. I don't understand--do men like to say hypocritical things, despite realizing that what they say is absolutely conflicting with the expectations they themselves have? Or is it some inane game of the ego, where as long as I back down, they win, even if I am completely miserable by the end of it? Add to that the fact that, the more I think about it, the more I realize that, to be quite honest, I think it is already done for me. There is no spark left, it is a constant struggle for me to remember just how fun it was to be around him and to enjoy my time with him. When we're apart, I just feel like I'm finding excuses and reasons for why I should be with him. Is that the way it's supposed to be? I know it isn't, and that's part of the thing that drives me insane...

It has been a while since I've thought about F and the way he had made me feel, even if just for the week or so that I knew him, but something about my mood tonight brings it back into the foreground of my thoughts. I tried to forget the fact that I hadn't felt that kind of spark with someone, well, ever. And the fact that a part of me has to force myself to feel attracted to my own boyfriend. Whoever reads this is probably going to think I'm totally delusional, because clearly if you're with someone and you're not "attracted" to them anymore, then what are you still doing with them? Is it the strength of habit (no direct translation from the Greek is quite fitting) or just the knowledge that there won't be someone else--at least in this god-forsaken city--for a very long time? I'm too afraid to be alone again. It's so typical that a part of me twitches when I think about it. But it is true. When you're 22 and haven't ever really been not-in-a-relationship, the idea of it just seems kind of foreign and scary. Like some country where you can't pronounce the names of things, and refuse to try them. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'll admit being horrified at the idea of something completely and utterly foreign right now. I have to focus. Right? But then...will I ever actually let myself experience passion and real happiness, or will I just drag this on until, one day, I snap and start screaming to no one and nothing in particular???

My guess is as good as yours.